Tuesday 23rd July. It would be your birthday and as I sit here writing this on my first birthday without you, I wonder if any birthday will ever feel the same again.
It’s been a good day, we went for a long walk, bumped in to my Godson, did a bit of shopping, had lunch with my boy while watching a film and even had a nap. A pretty good day I’d say.
But I opened a card that didn’t have your name on it and there was the stark reminder that there are no more cards, no more celebrations together, no thoughtful gifts, no need to find the perfect gift, its a huge amount to wrap my head around. I loved that we shared such close birthday’s. Made them seem even more special.
There is a hole now, a hole in my heart, a hole in my life and a bit of each day that should be for you, for me and I have no idea what I can do to make that easier to cope with.
I do think about you each day, remember all the wonderful moments that we had together and as a family. But I hate that memories is all I have now. No opportunity to make new ones with you.
I talk about you every day, when a memory pops up on facebook, I laugh or I smile, I share it for others to see or I recall it to someone and I love doing that, it makes you feel close.
Because how can you be gone if you are everywhere?
The reality is that you are gone and on days like this, milestone moments, that you feel even more ‘gone’ than ever before.
There are so many moments that I have wanted to share with you. To pick up the phone and tell you about. Guidance I have needed. I hear your songs on the radio and it feels like you’re right here. But as I watch a film you’ll never get to share with me, I feel sad and empty.
There’s the new Pink album which I know you would love and I feel like you’re missing out on it. Or when I watch Ambulance, I know we’d of discussed our favourite or most shocking moments together. The nail-biting Grey’s Anatomy which really upped its game this time would have provided plenty to talk about.
The Cricket world cup which was nail-biting until the very end, you’d of loved it. Dad made sure that he turned your picture round so you could watch it with him. It would have been so much better if you could have watched it for real.
You were so convinced in the hospice that you’d watched the new Mamma Mia film. You wouldn’t accept that the film hadn’t come out yet, or that you’d not left the house in 2 months. You were just 100% sure you’d watched it. But now I can’t bring myself to watch it, not without you.
I have only just watched the Greatest Showman today for the first time! I knew you loved it and the kids do but I just couldn’t bring myself to watch it.
For every good moment or bad, I want to share it with you and knowing I can’t do that is really hard.
I miss you so much, there isn’t a day where I don’t wish that things were different. It is cruel that you were taken so soon, forever 63.
I miss your smile and those beautiful blue eyes. I wish I’d taken them in more, I wish you’d been able to smile more on your last birthday and that I could have captured it on camera forever.
I miss watching you be the best wife to my Dad, He misses you so very much. I look after him the best I can but I’ll never be the things he misses most about you.
I miss your Nanny and F moments, you loved each other so dearly. I miss being able to tell you how well he is doing, sharing the big moments with you, the assemblies, wobbly teeth which he has to handle alone! You’d be so proud of him this year as he faces high school. Oh and his SAT’s results! Mum they were amazing!
I miss seeing you with your family, watching you laugh with them and share stories. Plus your party hosting skills were way better than mine, you were a natural! I have no idea how you made it look so easy!
I just miss your company, spending time with you doing nothing in particular, I miss seeing your silly picture pop up on my phone when you called, I miss your comments on my facebook posts, I miss you telling me off, calling me Hairy Mclary or Miss Claire. There isn’t a single thing about you that I don’t miss.
Happy Birthday Mum, you’re forever 63 and forever in our hearts and mind, each day. In everything I do, I think of you.
I love you always Mum x